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"Making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."

~Ephesians 5:16

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Monster of the Week: Gamakujira

Gamakujira is the lamest monster in all of existence. Look at that picture, he's rolling his eyes at how awful they made him. In fact, his eyes were rolled for his ENTIRE appearance. That's right, he never looks at anything straight, his eyes are rolled the whole time. Let's not forget to add that this guy is the most cowardly monster of all time, even more so than our chicken-headed friend Gigan. Let's add to the fact that this is his only appearance ever. That's right, he's so lame that they didn't even bring him back to be a one shot monster for that Galaxy Mega Monster movie. Pearls had risen in price one faithful day, that is where the events of The Pearl Defense Directive takes place.

Gamakjira had his un-humble beginnings with attacking a truck (his only reasonably cool moment) full of pearls. You see, this guy's gig is that he's a pearl eater. Wait, what? That's right, he doesn't care about destruction or fighting, he just wants to swallow pearls with that fake looking tongue. It wasn't long after that the Science Patrol arrived. After some hits by some missiles that probably even Minya can withstand, this guy high tails out of there. He doesn't want trouble, he just just wants those darn pearls. Unfortunately for him, the Science Patrol wasn't going to have that. Gamakjira's only defense other than his weight is an attack ripped off from a whale. To even include whales in the same sentence as this guy would be a crime to whales everywhere. Eventually this crocodile frog thing escapes into the water and.....goes to sleep on some overgrown rock. Literally the only thing on this beast's (I don't even think he deserves the title 'beast,' Giant Condor can take out this guy) mind is pearls, cause those are the first things he's heading toward when he awoke the following morning. While looking like he's struggling to swim, the Science Patrol eventually captured him in a net and lifted him much to his humiliation. Much to everyone's surprise and shock, he broke free and fell into the ocean. What happens next is that missiles keep hitting him and he falls on the ground struggling and probably begging for mercy. However, he happened to land in a vacation spot where a bunch of girls were getting their summer tan. Much to their horror, Gamakjira saw their pearls and started to walk (or perhaps tries to walk, this is definitely the worst suit from any Japanese Kaiju thing) toward them. However,Gamakujira is so un-threatening that one of the girls was smiling while running cause she knew this guy wasn't going to be any trouble. What happens next is perhaps the most humiliating thing to happen to a kaiju ever, well, maybe other than Skydon being blown full of hydrogen to look like a balloon.

Before I continue, I just want to say that this monster has the worst roar ever. He sounds like he's completely bored of everything, which I wouldn't surprised if that's the case. So do you know what the Science Patrol's plan was? They shoot a missile.....which then carries Gamajira into the sky. In what is perhaps the most laughable scene in the history of laughable scenes, you see this monster being flown around and there's literally nothing he could do about it. He was shaking his head at how ridiculous all this was. It wasn't long until Hayata transformed into everyone's favorite Power Ranger, Ultraman. And now the really, really sad part here is that there's no fight between the all. Ultraman flies into Gamakujira, who's shaking his head the whole time, with his eyes rolled up of course. Ultraman flies into Gamajira, and he explodes. No dignified end, he died with his head shaking and his eyes rolling, never to be seen again. (Unless you count his motionless body heading to the Monster Graveyard in space.) Skydon may have been the 'joke' character, (fun fact is that the Gamakujira suit was be used to create Skydon, I guess lame monsters create lame monsters) but Gamakujira is truly the biggest joke of a monster out there. Every time he's on screen it's hard not to chuckle. Thanks to all this, he's one of the more memorable Ultra the worst way possible.


  1. You should make a zilla vs gamakujira battle zone! two very weak monsters fighting each other.

    1. Hmm...that would be fun. I'll add it to the list.